I was working with a mom recently who was very stressed out thinking about summer and a household with 3 teenagers.
"Jen, you don't understand. I struggle with my kids during the school year. They don't do what I ask them to do, and they spend way too much time on their phones. I am constantly following up with them and making sure they are getting done what they need to do. Even simple tasks, like putting their laundry away seems like an uphill battle. It's exhausting and overwhelming, and I feel like it's ruining my relationship with all of them. How will I survive summer when they are home and have so much free time?!"
Yes, I've been there and I can definitely relate. I think this is a common theme in households everywhere.
Working with parents is a two-fold process because I help the parent understand how they can make things better on their end, and we also look at ways for them to better understand, guide, and teach their kids. It's never about "fixing the kid," which is GREAT news because if we were waiting for our kids to change for us to feel better, well, let's just say that day may never come!
So what is the answer? Well, on my client's side, we started unpacking what it all meant to her. "Why do you think your kids don't do what you ask them to do?" "Why are they on their phone so much?" (Her initial response being 1) they just don't listen and 2) they are lazy and addicted to their phones) When we looked at it all objectively, many other possibilities surfaced. Maybe they don't feel like there is a consequence if they don't do the things asked? Maybe they are normal teenagers and putting up laundry is not part of their natural internal daily checklist? Maybe they feel like it's unimportant? We could go on and on, but the point being is that they probably weren't intentionally trying to be disrespectful or cause stress to mom. And when we can look at things from that lens, it's easier to find solutions and not destroy the parent-child relationship over putting away their laundry!
We had many great conversations surrounding that initial concern of hers. She found a lot of ways she could improve and adjust. She also walked away with some better tools to clearly communicate with her kids what needed to be done and what would happen if it wasn't.
From my experience as a mom and coaching other moms, I know this is a common concern. So here are a few tips you can use to make this summer a great one with your teens. The reality is, we have a limited amount of time with our kids before they are off on their own. You can't get that time back, so it's important to use it as a time for connection and creating awesome memories.
Set clear expectations with your teen. Summer can be a great time for everyone to ease up on the intense school year schedule. If certain tasks or chores are important to you, communicate that with them. Maybe the dog still needs to walked everyday, but its ok if shoes, the basketball and pickleball gear sit by the front door all week.
Every expectation needs a consequence. Most of us don't have the will to do chores just for fun. We do things because we know there is a consequence if we don't do them. If we don't brush our teeth, we get cavities. If we don't do our laundry, we don't have clean clothes to wear. If we don't put gas in the car, we can't drive. What are fair and reasonable consequences for the things we want our kids to do? If you don't mow the yard by Friday, you can not go out this weekend. If you don't pick up your room, you can't take the car out. Make sure the expectation and consequence are clear and understood.
Be consistent with your consequences. Nothing lessens the importance of something quicker than no follow through. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Is it fun holding our teens accountable? Absolutely not, but it is absolutely necessary if we want them to take us seriously and learn the value of accountability.
Remember that they are still learning. Just because they need a heavy nudge to pick up their dirty clothes at the age of 15 does not mean that it will be the same when they are 40. Some things just need time to click and understanding and remembering that makes parenting a little more manageable.
At the end of the day, its all about modeling and connection. Sometimes we don't win the "take out the trash" battle but we teach our kids how to parent with love and grace. They are not perfect, but neither are we. If you have shown them what to do, taught them how to do it and given them space to learn the value of doing the thing, then you are modeling what it looks like to parent. At the end of the day, your connection with your child is far bigger than the lesson of laundry. Keep that perspective so you don't end up shouting "because I said so!" and making it more about principle than your relationship. Neither of you will remember in 10 years if the laundry got put away that day or not, but I can promise you the foundation you lay will either build or damage the connection for years to come.
Deep breaths and happy summer!
Here to help,
Jen
If you know someone who would benefit from this info, please share it with them! The more parents that we can help, the more parents we can help!
Have a question or topic you would like for me to address on the blog? Click the button below
Hi, I'm Jen, owner of JCM Life Coaching. I love helping people in all ages and stages of life but I specialize in working with teens and moms. Follow me for helpful tips on parenting and life in general.
Comentários