Welcome back!
The first week in this series, we talked about the primitive brain in teens and how it guides them to make decisions based on minimal effort, avoiding discomfort and instant gratification.
Last week we moved into learning about the more mature part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain likes to think ahead, plan and think about our future.
If you were to step back and get an aerial view of your teenagers brain and life choices/thougths it would probably be a very interesting battle you would witness.
That primitive brain is and has been the go to for your child for quite some time. It's "safe" and familiar to make decisions from a place of comfort and pleasure but we know that to achieve things in life we have to take risks, make some plans and put ourselves out there a bit.
So knowing that our teens are growing and gaining access to that prefrontal brain, how can we help them start to use it more and reap the benefits?
As I mentioned last week, our teens need to know and understand what is going on with their brains. Educating them on why they have been making decisions in the past and showing them there is a better option now, is the first step in helping them. So many teens I work with simply don't understand why they have been doing the things they do. They think there is something wrong with them and they feel hopeless to change. If they understand that putting off homework was their primitive brain trying to "protect" them from exerting effort, then they can learn how to override that with awareness and make the decision to do what is best for their future self (do the homework!)
We can also show teens by example. Share with them decisions you have made for yourself that might have been hard in the moment but paid off down the road. Maybe you get up early every day so you can exercise even though you aren't a morning person. Maybe you addressed a relationship conflict directly with someone instead of complaining about it to everyone else. Maybe you pull money out of every paycheck to save for a rainy day although you would rather use it for something fun. These are all great examples of how we can teach and show our kids the power of the prefrontal cortex.
Another great tool I love to teach teens is the question of "Why?" Lets say they make the choice to play video games instead of study for the test. When they get the grade back, instead of raising your voice or starting in on a lecture, try asking them "Why?" "Why did you choose to play video games instead of study?" Not in a mad, judgemental way, just a curious, calm "Why?" I always tell my teen clients, "It's your life, not mine, so it doesn't really matter to me, I am just curious why you choose not to study?" When we ask them that question, in that way, it allows them to think about the real answer and address it. Understanding the primitive vs the prefrontal cortex, I know why they made that choice. I know that the primitive brain still has a good hold on their decisions. It's much easier to get the instant gratification and ignore the "discomfort" of studying than it is to be disciplined and study for your future self. I am just trying to get them to see that they have a choice and see the reason for the choice they chose. Next time they may choose differently, they may not, but this is the path to learning and understanding their power and agency in their own lives.
Those are just a few examples of how you can help and encourage your teen. The teen years are all about learning and growing. That is their job right now!
Stay tuned for more!
Here to help,
JenÂ
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Hi, I am Jen, owner of JCM Life Coaching. I love helping people in all ages and stages of life but I specialize in working with teens and moms. Follow me for helpful tips on parenting and life in general.
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